因爲眼界窄才稀罕

年多前的台灣之行，某家民宿錯把我帶去的白毛巾給收去了，我離開的時候自然是把他家一條白毛巾牽走，但這是一個沒天良的交換——他家的毛巾既厚又軟，吸水性更好，幾乎是我用過最舒服的毛巾，我根本就是以玻璃換金鑽。

不過接著不到兩個月，我就把它給落在了遠房親戚家裡，後會無期了。偶爾路經商場，都是相去甚遠的質地，直覺下總是暗歎 再難找到那種飯店級別的毛巾。 (再說下去我真的會被瞪說有強迫症)

可是真的嗎？真的再碰不到了嗎？

只因為不逛街、少見識，各種事物總是覺得稀罕，什麼美好都是不可遺失的唯一，然後莫名其妙投注一堆不必要的情感，捨不得、放不下。捨得，不是擁有時對當下恣意妄為，而是錯失時對未來保持信賴。

遇人也是一樣。

重要嗎？

很多時候，知道過去的答案不會改變未來的結局和輪廓，於是漸漸跳過疑問，不再好奇。

渴愛

說我挑，我不否認，但也不是我能控制的事。

一般時候 我算是蠻努力地經營人生，讓生活更獨立、更具價值，能讓我停下腳步 去關注和另一個人的關係，這樣的人不多，而且這幾年像是越來越少——儘管一出現往往都是讓我難以招架。但這樣的事 靠的更是緣分和感覺；我的腦袋沒有多少話語權。

就這樣，這樣一年也未必出現一個的緣分，總是在稚嫩的自己一個失誤 就被自己錯過。我不介意犯錯，也不是沒勇氣承擔後果，只是有時候會不禁納悶，照這樣的龜步 到底什麼時候 才能把裡面的潛規則搞懂學精、把感情的進退張弛練習透，而不再錯過。

忘了哪個朋友說的，我在學問工作上或許強悍，但在感情上就是個白癡。

有時候不知不覺長大成一個被學生視作榜樣的大人，最大的遺憾是，錯過了那段痛喊哭訴，即便表露脆弱、期望理解也不會不堅強的歲月。

大了，就是寫一篇這樣的東西都覺得懦弱罪惡。

感慨

開著車，很多路 看著從緣分走到淚痕，再從淚痕走到掌紋，覺得生命很玄、時間很妙。

Self-worth

打從蠻小，骨子裡我就是一種與世無爭的樣子；我好強，但是不喜歡和人爭鬥，更常是窩在自己的世界裡和自己較勁。很多的職務和資格，若不是對方認定了自己，自己也不想踏出去為自己主動爭取——但不爭取，說穿，其實也是不敢爭取，不敢承受 爭取不果的受挫受拒感，打從深處地不自信。

長大了，累積了，歷練了，自信了，一定程度肯定了自己的價值與籌碼，偶爾工作上需要挺身與人競爭的時候，漸漸能不畏爭取，暗藏一副「最後不是我也沒關係」的底氣。「天下之大，沒有不能容我貴我的地方；提升實力是硬道理。」常常，我是這樣保持平常心。

但情感關係上，除了那唯一一次，我始終無法適應競爭；感知到競爭，我不會生氣，也不會過多表示、爭取，而是安靜退讓等待。我是知道的，自己言行上的特立獨行肯定不是最讓人相處上舒服的個性，我的追求，也不是讓人了解和共鳴的，至少在這個環境裡。我沒有什麼籌碼（雖然我不斷地去企圖增加）去說服或影響別人 接受甚至欣賞我的堅持、稜角和缺陷。或許因此，我不想打沒把握的仗，而寧可在自己的世界裡修行，等待一個確定需要我的人。不是不相信自己好，只是不相信自己的好被需要——而這樣越是想證明於別人，往往卻是 越歪曲了自己。我不喜歡這樣。

所以我還在逃。但總希望有一天，我也可以積累夠底氣，在感情上自由揮灑。

不管怎樣，說得再直接點，這些遲疑或果敢，不外乎是來自於：日久建立的自我認同 能撐得住多少 受挫時的自我質疑；而對一件事、一個人的嚮往，又能夠讓你甘願承受多少的痛苦。

棄之可惜

在任何一種關係里，當雙方自認為給了對方足夠的暗示，而坐等對方轉變或醒悟，這個關係，其實也已經半隻腳踩進它的終點。

不是說它因此就非結束不可，而是雙方已經可以接受了它的不存在。雙方「做到這就夠，剩下都是對方的責任」的姿態，已經說明了這段關係對於各自的價值就在那裡：它再大不過自尊、撐不起付出、捉不住勇氣，值不得時間和改變。

但即便如此，即便知道那是自己可以失去的東西，到走丟的份上的時候，人總還是要例行遺憾一番，遺憾或甚至指責對方 怎麼不願意多走一步——不是因為少了一份自己多在乎的東西，而是因為多了一份明白，「噢，原來自己沒那麼重要。」

不抗拒彎路

人往往就是要有點 看不開的執念和糾結，才有那 止不住的衝勁和拼搏。什麼都想透了、看化了，也就缺少了一點 朝目標視死如歸的決心。它或許是不知天高地厚、瞎折騰的傻勁，但也可以是 熬得金石為開的堅定。

現代人 或許就缺這一塊。太懂得明哲保身，太著急全身而退，或許更敏於付出效益，我們老是有意無意 過早地比對辛勞和回報，衡量成敗的概率和風險，連年少莽撞、輕狂的積累也省下了。

趁年輕力盛，多糾結、多拼搏，能消耗時且消耗，能積累時且積累，不抗拒彎路，不害怕落空，不著急長大。

致自己。

宗教的盲點

半年前 和一個在國外泡了兩年剛歸來的武則天朋友 聊及宗教的時候，我說了一個自己的主張，最後達到了這個共識：
「伊斯蘭教的瓶頸 不在於它本質的教義（基督教原始的教義 同樣不乏其偏執迂腐的地方），而是在於它恰巧身處的地域 封閉的人文環境（相對於 個人主義崛起的歐洲社會），決定了社會對它的詮釋，更直接限制了它的與時並進。」

半個月前 和欣柔再聊到宗教的時候，我卻是直接把心裡另一半的話 給說了：
「但其實諷刺的是，基本上一旦宗教曉得了與時並進、選擇了調整戒律條規，就意味著神的旨意可以選擇性（不）遵從，那麼在信徒心裡，神，到底還是神嗎？」

Le Pont Boulangerie

趁欣柔回美前再聚。本來應該是老夫請客，結果這老娘婚宴後豪氣風雲 說要請客，我也不阻撓她 😝

就可惜 這一餐也沒留下多好吃的回憶。

注：
上面那道 中間是開心果醬，氣香味濃（可是不知道該怎麼吃）；下面那道，則令人失望，布丁與冰淇凌 味道上的搭配缺乏顆粒和衝突感，使到逼人的香氣顯得甜膩。

Wedding toast by Man of Honor

ShihYuin on Facebook: "Here is the speech that got me into the pool (because I was reviewing the script and didn't watch where I was walking). At a point of time, I was truly tempted (and intimidated) to cut the 10-min speech down to avoid potentially annoying some of the relatives. However, then I reminded myself: it's not about me, nor the relatives; it's about her, it's for her. There I braced up (with few glasses of red wine though) to go on with the original speech. For remembrance, below is the full text of the speech."

Video recording here.

_______________________________________

First of all, who am I? I don’t think even the bride’s other close friends know our stories (and probably even my existence). Haha. I'm Shih Yuin. For the record, I’m her ex.... I mean ex-primary schoolmate, ex-secondary schoolmate, ex-debate teammate, ex-collegemate, ex-housemate, ex-university mate, and most importantly, the past, ongoing and ever-so soul twin.

When I was first told that I was to give a speech on her wedding, I was pleasantly surprised. Actually not really; for our significant bonding, if i wasn’t given any significant task to do, I’d probably give her a fierce stare throughout the ceremony. Okay I’m done with joking. I actually got pretty anxious after that first moment of pride, when I started to think about what to talk. Then I started to recollect again all the past memories I’ve walked through with her.

Knowing her has been a magical journey full of lessons and personal growth, which is the theme of this speech. She was actually 2 years younger than I’m, so we weren’t of the same year to have a full spectrum of interaction. Before chinese debate joined our fate in high school, I had in fact a sorta negative impression of her from the rumors and reputation spread around. Had I not been open to knowing her in person and putting aside what I had heard of her, we wouldn’t have exchanged total trust and understanding as we do today, and my life would have been drastically different from what has been today. Yes, drastically. So lesson 1: know someone through your own heart, not somebody else’ eyes, mouth and even ears. Oh by the way, she wanted me to highlight the fact that her notorious reputation in school back then was the result of a horrible wide-scale school bully. Her account. I lack witnesses. Haha.

Then, after the shoulder-by-shoulder fight in the debate team, I graduated from high school and went to INTI-UC in Nilai. Two years later, she followed my footsteps into INTI-UC under JPA scholarship. But soon I had to leave INTI for UW Madison in the states. Another two years later, however, again we met each other in UW Madison as badgers: UW Madison students. Of course, we had been keeping in touch from time to time for all the life roller coasters she was through all those while. During this period, I was watching her growing from an intelligent talented all-rounded girl, to a lady who was dauntless to fall, fail and explore her world before settling down to something she is sure of, while I made barely any growth remotely close to hers. Lesson 2: Embrace your fear. Walk over it, and grow ever stronger.

When it finally came to my turn to experience and her turn to watch me being swallowed by the turbulence in life, she passed me, through carrots and sticks, the wisdom she acquired through her days of struggle: The Secret. For those who don't know, it's from a book, "The Secret Law of Attraction", which says negativity attract negativity. As absurd as it might sound to be the Supreme Law of all, it's very true. In my current interpretation, it is saying: life is 10% about what has happened, and 90% about how you react to it. That is the lesson 3 I gathered from her. It transformed my life inside-out and upside-down, not even the tiniest bit of exaggeration..

Before the next lesson, let me share one hilarious story from hindsight. By the time I graduated from high school, we actually made a “youthful” promise that if both of us remained single when we got old, we would get together. Wait, calm down. I’m not here to stop her from getting married. Because later on in the states, I fell for a guy; and what's more was that she was there to encourage me for my first ever confession to a guy. And she even said that on every 5th of March she would celebrate my confession anniversary. Freaking liar; she’s never been back to Malaysia since then. Should we urge her to come back more often? So there came the lesson 4: love is universal. Everyone is unique. Whoever we happen to fall in love for, be it a guy or a girl this time around or next time, is whom we love. There is no straight vs LGBT. Love is love. There is no need to fit ourselves into the box of a label.

Then I flew back after graduation and settled here in KL since then, while she continued her undergraduate and even postgraduate about stem cell in UW. This March(?), the moments she told me of her elopement and then agreed with the lengthy traditional marriage ceremony, I knew something has quietly changed. From the day 1 I knew her, it was crystal clear that marriage was not a need and even option for her. She wasn’t 100% against it; but she was both intellectually and emotionally strong enough not to rely on the moral obligation and legal protection from a marriage to safeguard her social status and her survival in case a love becomes rotten, so much so that she found the triviality and complexity in the marriage proceedings unworthy. Her beliefs have not changed. What she aspires to has not changed. But she has slowly come to value more the feelings of the people she cares and be more willing to treat the world in a more complex way than she was before, although this necessarily comes with a price of complicating her peaceful life which she used to have full control of. Lesson 5: Life is not necessarily about arriving at a certain goal. It’s good to have a destination in mind to have a direction to navigate. But keep the mind open. Every moment changes. Remember to smell the roses. It’s the experiences along the way that enrich us as human beings. Life makes its turns, and we just have to learn to go with the flow. I’m proud of her decision, and I’d continue to be for all of them that she will be making in the future.

From 2006, eleven years down the road, she has always been one of a kind: smart, bold, independent from the outside, and incredibly self-aware and profound as you know her more. Of all, at heart she is a social deviant. She knows herself is unique, and she is not a tiny bit afraid of being different. There she figures what she truly wants and her priorities, and goes ahead pursuing them. At times she is faced with resistance that comes along her deviance. But she doesn't give up just like that. By all means, she finds ways around it to strike a happy balance between what she wants and what is wanted of her. And she has almost always made it. That's what has made her irreplaceable. One of a kind. But in fact not just her. We are all unique beings. That's how we should establish our unique existence in the universe. Last lesson: listen to our hearts. Learn to play deviant and tailor the world to us, not the other way around.

Let me present a meme.

This is 欣柔.
欣柔 does not simply follow the norms.
欣柔 explores herself and seeks firmly what she wants.
欣柔 is unique.
Be unique.
Be like 欣柔.

Certainly, Kit, as the significant half for her, is no less unique and amazing, if not more.

With these, at last, I dearly wish her together with her soulmate-cum-husband Kit, will be having a smooth navigation down the road in their mutual life path, with no less exciting and enriching experiences along the way. Again, congratulations on this union of two deep, rare souls. Happy Wedding.